Grief - such a powerful process - it can seem to suck the very life out of us at times, holding us and preventing us from progressing in life or interacting productively with those around us. It is thus very understandable that we may feel badly about grieving, wishing it away. But, is grief something to be resented, or can we learn to accept it as a necessary process?
Grief Comes to us All
So, lets first begin with brief exploration of why we grieve, and then look at how we can deal with the grieving process.
Why does Grief Happen?
Grief is our natural emotional reaction to loosing something that we have identified ourselves with. What does this mean? Well, we all have an inbuilt desire to explore who we are and find purpose. The problem is that we tend to associate ourselves with how we relate to things in the outside. Thus we create identities based on who we are in relation to given objects, people and circumstances.
Why is this a problem? It means that when we lose the object of our identity (as we most certainly will at some point) the part of ourselves that was associated with that object is fragmented and very difficult to recover.
For example when we lose a job, we may have associated it with a sense of purpose, achievement, and community. When we believe that it is the job that made us feel that way, then losing the job will will also rob us of those feelings until we find something new to latch onto that will renew those feelings in ourselves.
So I ask you this question. When we grieve, what are we grieving over?
Here's a perspective... Identifying with the Feelings
However, with this realisation comes another danger. The danger is that the feelings are simply transferred to another object, person or circumstance. It is vitally important that we realise that these feelings are coming from inside of us and not from the outside. Thus, they are always accessible.
If we come to this realisation then we can see that these objects, people and circumstances are not reponsible for our feelings, but rather outlets for our expression of those feelings. And an outlet is simply that and thus not something to hold onto. Thus if we lose that outlet we don't necessarily lose the feelings. At this point you might be thinking 'Wait a minute, isn't seeing my dearest love as simply an outlet of expressing a little bit impersonal?' Well, it has been my experience that when we are able to take responsibility for our own feelings and not project them onto others, it is only then that we are able to honour that person and really love them unconditionally.
At this point I want to stress that although we may realise this, it doesn't mean that we won't grieve. It may only determine the speed and smoothness of the grieving process itself. There will always be emotions to process. We may experience the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, though not necessarily in that order or even sequentially. What is important is that we don't hold onto these feelings as this then creates another identity around them.
Allowing Grief
Emotions are simply our way of processing loss and recovering ourselves through it. Therefore, its not productive to hold onto them or create identities around them. For example, we may feel guilty about the impact that our grief is having on those around us, or angry about the way that the grief seems to be holding us back from progressing. But, if we realise that our emotions are not us, then they can be given the space to come through us.
And thus, when we can finally, truly, 100% accept the situation as it is there is no sense of resignation but an embracing of the moment and everything that means.
With love, Richard If you would like help with the grieving process then please get in touch.
8 Comments
Cynthia
25/1/2017 08:01:07 pm
Your concepts are deep, yet without concrete examples at each point, they're too abstract. We need answers to "how" to do a step. With examples that demonstrate the abstract
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Hi Cynthia,
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Lisa Mendolia
26/1/2017 08:14:41 pm
It's understandable to me now why I've felt so much grief! I kept telling others since I had simple surgery that has made me physically disabled, that I wasn't feeling depressed like I had in the passed!! Then in 2016 we got a hit badly with loss - 2 lovely women had passed ( my mother in law & step mom) . My beautiful daughter had separated & my mom with over 30yrs of marriage had called it quites ( I was devastated)
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Richard
26/1/2017 09:24:11 pm
Hi Lisa,
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Alexander
29/1/2017 05:14:08 pm
“Thus is nor the person who is grieved , but the feelings associated with that person.” But why we associate those feelings with that person , or do we associate ? Is it possible that we have the same corpus of moral integrity feelings , that are alike with the feelings that the person to whom we are grieving had ? And that we grieve because we have lost a feeling-comrade on a life path ? In that manner of perspective those feelings could be seen as inner and also as outward.....I`m talking about situation where our feelings are not a projection onto other person , but when two persons have some similar/identical feelings about many matters. Also I think that feelings ARE inseparable part of us , but we have to deal with them on the right way – in a way that we never loose ourselves in a process – “but we are kind to ourselves and allow the thoughts their space, remembering always to come back to sense of self afterwards.”
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Richard
29/1/2017 08:17:42 pm
Hi Alexander. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. In answer to your questions - We associate our feelings with a person because they are the ones that trigger those feelings. The danger is that we make that person responsible for those feelings (for example, 'you make me feel so happy'). So it can happen that we unconsciously associate those feelings of happiness with that particular person. What is actually going on is that we are seeing our mirror in that person. The person triggers the feeling but that feeling is and was inside of us all along.
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Alick Dolly
18/1/2023 07:25:24 pm
When I eventually found testimonies about this spell caster Dr Abiola Efe , how he helped many people to get their lovers and broken homes back, i contacted him through his ) because I was absolutely desperate to get my lover back. Life without my lover was a real mess for me and my children. i wanted a dramatic change and I thought magic could be the solution. After discussing the resolution with Dr Abiola Efe , he gave me hope that he will restore my marriage. I felt confident that he will actually make my lover to return home and he did! It’s fantastic what this great spellcaster have done for me, his help is priceless! I don't know what I would have done without Dr Abiola Efe does his job so well he is organized and highly functional, i believe he is the best spell caster i can count on when it comes to all kinds of spell, I was floored that his spells worked, if you'r need help, contact him on his..WhatsApp him on
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Alick Doll
18/1/2023 07:29:08 pm
When I eventually found testimonies about this spell caster Dr Abiola Efe , how he helped many people to get their lovers and broken homes back, i contacted him through his ) because I was absolutely desperate to get my lover back. Life without my lover was a real mess for me and my children. i wanted a dramatic change and I thought magic could be the solution. After discussing the resolution with Dr Abiola Efe , he gave me hope that he will restore my marriage. I felt confident that he will actually make my lover to return home and he did! It’s fantastic what this great spellcaster have done for me, his help is priceless! I don't know what I would have done without Dr Abiola Efe does his job so well he is organized and highly functional, i believe he is the best spell caster i can count on when it comes to all kinds of spell, I was floored that his spells worked, if you'r need help, contact him on his..WhatsApp him on
Reply
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AuthorThis blog is Richard West's tribute to all things life, death and spirituality. For a wealth of information on conscious relating check out Parting the Waves. This blog is mostly educational. For musings on my life and lessons, go to Parting the Waves.
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