Understanding Grief

10/1/2017

Grief - such a powerful process - it can seem to suck the very life out of us at times, holding us and preventing us from progressing in life or interacting productively with those around us. It is thus very understandable that we may feel badly about grieving, wishing it away. But, is grief something to be resented, or can we learn to accept it as a necessary process?

Grief Comes to us All

Grief is not only reserved for people who are mourning the death of a loved one. It arises whenever we feel a loss of something or someone who we have identified ourselves with. So, it can occur when we break up with someone, loose a job, have our belief system challenged, move house, break a treasured possession, lose function of part of our body or mind, and the list goes on.

So, lets first begin with brief exploration of why we grieve, and then look at how we can deal with the grieving process.

Why does Grief Happen?

Grief is our natural emotional reaction to loosing something that we have identified ourselves with. What does this mean? Well, we all have an inbuilt desire to explore who we are and find purpose. The problem is that we tend to associate ourselves with how we relate to things in the outside. Thus we create identities based on who we are in relation to given objects, people and circumstances.

Why is this a problem? It means that when we lose the object of our identity (as we most certainly will at some point) the part of ourselves that was associated with that object is fragmented and very difficult to recover.

For example when we lose a job, we may have associated it with a sense of purpose, achievement, and community. When we believe that it is the job that made us feel that way, then losing the job will will also rob us of those feelings until we find something new to latch onto that will renew those feelings in ourselves.

So I ask you this question. When we grieve, what are we grieving over?
Here's a perspective...

Identifying with the Feelings

To many people it is a revelation to discover that they are not grieving over the loss of a person, object or circumstance, but actually the feelings that are associated with them. For example someone who has lost a loved one may find that when they recover those feelings that were triggered by the presence of that person, then they are truly able to honour the person and celebrate who they were. Thus, is it not the person who is grieved but the feelings associated with that person.

However, with this realisation comes another danger. The danger is that the feelings are simply transferred to another object, person or circumstance. It is vitally important that we realise that these feelings are coming from inside of us and not from the outside. Thus, they are always accessible.

If we come to this realisation then we can see that these objects, people and circumstances are not reponsible for our feelings, but rather outlets for our expression of those feelings. And an outlet is simply that and thus not something to hold onto. Thus if we lose that outlet we don't necessarily lose the feelings. At this point you might be thinking 'Wait a minute, isn't seeing my dearest love as simply an outlet of expressing a little bit impersonal?' Well, it has been my experience that when we are able to take responsibility for our own feelings and not project them onto others, it is only then that we are able to honour that person and really love them unconditionally.

At this point I want to stress that although we may realise this, it doesn't mean that we won't grieve. It may only determine the speed and smoothness of the grieving process itself. There will always be emotions to process. We may experience the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, though not necessarily in that order or even sequentially. What is important is that we don't hold onto these feelings as this then creates another identity around them.

Allowing Grief

Emotions are simply our way of processing loss and recovering ourselves through it. Therefore, its not productive to hold onto them or create identities around them. For example, we may feel guilty about the impact that our grief is having on those around us, or angry about the way that the grief seems to be holding us back from progressing. But, if we realise that our emotions are not us, then they can be given the space to come through us.

Thus, we never loose ourselves in the process. We are simply observers, knowing that all that we are, is already inside of us. If anger arises it is not judged but released in a conscious way. We may see the futility of thoughts of denial or bargaining, but we are kind to ourselves and allow the thoughts their space, remembering always to come back to sense of self afterwards.

And thus, when we can finally, truly, 100% accept the situation as it is there is no sense of resignation but an embracing of the moment and everything that means.

With love,

Richard

If you would like help with the grieving process then please get in touch.

6 Comments

Cynthia

25/1/2017 08:01:07 pm

Your concepts are deep, yet without concrete examples at each point, they're too abstract. We need answers to "how" to do a step. With examples that demonstrate the abstract

Richard link

26/1/2017 09:02:37 am

Hi Cynthia,

Thanks for getting in touch. With regards to 'how' to do a step, it's something which is personal to each person, so I could give an example but unless you're going through that particular example with those particular patterns of thought and identity it will be hard to relate to.

Also, realisations tend to come from awareness, so there is no method for that. An article may trigger exploration but the deep realisations will come organically from your own experience.

However, what you can do is seek as much as possible to be the observer of your thoughts and feelings. Notice when you get 'triggered'. Once you have allowed the feeling then see how it want's to express itself (in a way that doesn't harm other people). So, you may want to cry, roll up in a ball, shout or scream. Anything that feels right. Get right into into and express fully. And at the height of the expression take a step back and surrender totally to the feeling. This will process the emotion and align your energy field again. After that it's about finding the right expression going forward. So, you may wish to honour the object or person that you've lost in some way personal to you.

I hope this helps. I understand that it is not easy by any means. Please feel free to contact me personally if you want help with any personal issues. I don't charge for emails.

Richard

Lisa Mendolia

26/1/2017 08:14:41 pm

It's understandable to me now why I've felt so much grief! I kept telling others since I had simple surgery that has made me physically disabled, that I wasn't feeling depressed like I had in the passed!! Then in 2016 we got a hit badly with loss - 2 lovely women had passed ( my mother in law & step mom) . My beautiful daughter had separated & my mom with over 30yrs of marriage had called it quites ( I was devastated)

Richard

26/1/2017 09:24:11 pm

Hi Lisa,

Wow, it sounds like you've been through a lot in recent time. It must be quite a process you're going through. It's important to be compassionate with yourself, allow the feelings to come through without judging. Grief, when allowed to flow organically is our natural way of saying goodbye and letting go. It will take as long as it takes.

There may come a point after some time of processing when you feel to honour the people that you have lost (including the old you). I've found a ceremony or creative gesture (eg. painting a picture, writing poetry) can be hugely healing.

I'm glad you found the article helpful.

Take care,

Richard

Alexander

29/1/2017 05:14:08 pm

“Thus is nor the person who is grieved , but the feelings associated with that person.” But why we associate those feelings with that person , or do we associate ? Is it possible that we have the same corpus of moral integrity feelings , that are alike with the feelings that the person to whom we are grieving had ? And that we grieve because we have lost a feeling-comrade on a life path ? In that manner of perspective those feelings could be seen as inner and also as outward.....I`m talking about situation where our feelings are not a projection onto other person , but when two persons have some similar/identical feelings about many matters. Also I think that feelings ARE inseparable part of us , but we have to deal with them on the right way – in a way that we never loose ourselves in a process – “but we are kind to ourselves and allow the thoughts their space, remembering always to come back to sense of self afterwards.”

29/1/2017 08:17:42 pm

Hi Alexander. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. In answer to your questions - We associate our feelings with a person because they are the ones that trigger those feelings. The danger is that we make that person responsible for those feelings (for example, 'you make me feel so happy'). So it can happen that we unconsciously associate those feelings of happiness with that particular person. What is actually going on is that we are seeing our mirror in that person. The person triggers the feeling but that feeling is and was inside of us all along.

So, people often cling to a partner because they mirror parts of themselves that are weaker, for example someone who is not confident being attracted to a confident partner. The partner will then begin to mirror the trait of 'confidence'. It is an invitation to the person to see what it is to be confident, and then work on that trait within themselves. But too often the confident person is relied upon to make the non-confident person feel confident and the opportunity to reclaim an aspect of our self is missed, hence the feeling of loss when this partner is lost.

With regard to people who are , to use your term 'feeling-comrades' (I like that by the way) we will often be attracted to people of a similar vibration to us, people who see the world in a similar way. It is perfectly natural to feel saddened at the loss of such a comrade, but the fact that we are similar in vibration is not the reason for the grieving (in my perspective). This is because we don't give these aspects to the other person because we are already aware of them within ourselves.

Grief is a complicated thing. Even if we stay completely within our own energy and don't give away aspects of ourselves, it will still naturally happen, but the process will be much lighter and easier to get through.

I know this is a lot to read, so if you want to talk more then please send me an email - r.west33@gmail.com You may also want to check out the article on Letting go in the articles section of the website - you can find a link in the footer section at the bottom of the screen.

All the best,

RIchard

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